Awakenings...

I found this girl's blog a few hours ago, and I'm so glad I did, because her style is amazing, and it perfectly conveys the feeling that women go through, which is the last big decision before a change, which everyone will need to complete the LifeTilt program.

I like two types of people. Those who run red lights, and girls who have style and true personality. There aren't many such girls, so we need to cherish them, especially if they set an example with their actions, motivate others with their writings, and their words give strength to others in the fight against sluggishness. Recently, if I correctly interpreted the seismic vibrations around the blog, it seems that the process of people increasingly embracing their lifestyle change program is finally starting in larger numbers, and this girl is one of the spiritual manifestations of this process. She has already woken up and is doing it (4 kg down in 8 days); for those who haven't, they should ask themselves why they've become such a miserable mess that they still can't start and at least redeem their own world...

http://jatsszhogylatszodj.blog.hu/

There's this thing called will. When you come up with something, and your mind keeps fixating on the idea that you should do it. This has never happened to me this intensely before. I should do it…

Then, I’ll do it. The circumstances are given. That I want to change myself.

I’ve come to terms with the word "want" for a while now. It's not only associated with negative things, as I believed for so many years. It was just a defense mechanism to think that will is linked to ugly, dark things. Absolutely not. It's the basis of our existence. I can say it more beautifully: I would like to. I would like to reach my goal, to be proud of myself. This year is like that. I've embraced new things, new perspectives. I'm no longer just sitting on my ass, dreaming. But building. A life for myself. Or, if you prefer, trying to make the best out of a lot of messed-up crap. Am I persistent? Determined? I don't know. This is still new to me. All my current feelings and desires are quite young.

There's a person who influenced me. I don't know him, and I probably never will. At first, I hated him. Him. What he wrote. His style, his "big mouth," his "smart-assery," the way he wrote about women, his ego. Then I told myself, damn it, you don't hate him, you hate yourself. Why do you read him if you don't like it? He is who he is, it's none of your business, don't look at how, but WHAT he writes. The embellishment is irrelevant. Since then, I see it differently, he's almost "become likable." Not because I know him. But because I need exactly this style - as a kind of support - to achieve what I WANT. Worldview, mindset, nothing, nothing matters, only that he made me realize that I fucking hate myself.

Because I have a secret. I don't like myself. Anyone can say how damn good I look. From my grandmother to my exes, to my girlfriends, to my buddies. I won't believe it until I see what I want to see in the mirror. I don't even have a mirror at home, damn it, it's no coincidence, I only see myself in a coat in the elevator mirror, and not even often, because I don't even take the elevator for one floor. Okay, if I go to a club, relatively speaking, "many people would still want to hook up with me." Who gives a shit if I live my daily life, on the one hand, in a terribly unhealthy way, and on the other hand, "languishing" in the knowledge that the last time I looked good and felt good about myself was 7-8 years ago. Well, that's not irrelevant.

Then come the tantrums, the frustrations, standing on the street, waiting for someone, and if they're 10 minutes late, I'm practically glued to the wall with nerves, thinking "damn it, I'm fat, oh my god" because this paranoia hits me (where from, where not, it never used to be like this.)

Then comes the whining to my boyfriend about how bad I look (he's probably sick of it), I'm practically jealous of everyone alive and moving. Everyone who looks better than me, and also those who look worse, because I see myself as even more of a cow than my realistic cow-ness... He can say anything, the usual blah blah "you're not fat", "you're the best woman in the world" BULLSHIT. Bullshit. Let's not discuss how he looks, or if I could have a more handsome boyfriend, or if he could have a thousand times better girlfriend. It doesn't matter. He's with me, let's not delve into the reasons, maybe he's satisfied with me, maybe he's just bullshitting (I'm more inclined towards the latter) but none of this matters because I'm not satisfied. If I were to go through The Program with results, he might not even like it. But I would. Enough. Of the lack of willpower. In the last month, I have proven to myself mentally. That I am capable of inner renewal. To put it tritely, I've accomplished something. So now let's play with willpower, completely disregarding my well-wishers and ill-wishers, ignoring their concerns and doubts. Let's see if I'm capable of external renewal as well. Because I would like to be capable. Because I want to. We'll try. Me and me.

There's a diet, plus a workout program. I chose one that fits my time and financial capabilities. I don't need anything for it, just my willpower. And a damn pair of running shoes. Sounds simple? Yeah, it's not. We'll find out. That's the good thing about this thing called life. Things become clear quite quickly.

I have a secret. I don't like myself. It's audacious of me, but I'm going to start changing that. So let's go.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think this girl asked me this question on Formspring, because this is what she writes in her blog...

I'm in a good mood, because I lost 4 kilos in 8 days, I found this out yesterday. I didn't weigh myself out of compulsion, but to document "starting data," and well... it was astounding. It gives me strength to continue, although I would continue even without the -4 kilos.

New Generation 2 on Monday...