Emotional Transformation

Substitute actions, substitute people, a substitute life. They do all this, of course, so that it doesn't hurt, to distract their thoughts from their failures, their unending disappointments, and to escape the dark shadows of their past.

There is no transition. But in a chaotic emotional state, one cannot make correct decisions either about their future or about choosing the right people. Simple emotional stimuli, creating the feeling of being loved at any cost, if possible, immediately, no matter with whom. Just have someone there, because alone we are finished, torment devours us alive. But this is only symptomatic treatment. Xanax for the brain, Lidocaine for an open fracture, momentary absolution, but we cannot deceive our emotions, nothing will help.

There needs to be a space between passing away and new life. There needs to be a little time to clear the ruins. There needs to be a little time for our thoughts to settle in our heads, and for us to make calm decisions about what comes next, and there needs to be a little time to gather strength for rebuilding.

This little time is everything, because during this period we evaluate past events, define our present, and lay the foundation for our future actions. If, during this transitional period, the impulses we receive do not come from the right direction, and we do not receive emotional stimuli that satisfy our needs from the people we have gathered around us out of necessity, then without exception, they will lead our thoughts in the wrong direction, and this will eventually have unforeseeable consequences.

That certain transitional period fundamentally determines your emotional and active life, and LifeTILT is the solution for this transitional period.

And why? Because I don't know you, I don't love you, you mean nothing to me. What I write, what I convey to you, is the reality that I go through just like you or anyone else. Emotional ties do not mislead me against you, I don't want to protect you from disappointments, I don't hide anything from you just because I love you and so that you don't get hurt. I don't want to hurt you, I just want you to see clearly, not to build on ruins. Because if you do, whatever you build, sooner or later it will be torn down by emotions, suppressed anger, and your unresolved past. I live among you, life torments me too, I also experience life. I am not special, nor am I more than anyone else. I am also just a person for whom life is sometimes difficult, even unbearable.

I have no mission, I am not invulnerable either, for you I am just an illusory dream, a non-existent person, merely a mirage. I don't have the answers to most questions either, but I know one thing. I know that it is possible to survive, and despite life's blows, not just to survive, but to move forward and build. And I already know what I owe this to…

The "Transformation" post series is the essence of LifeTILT. It is a summary of all my mental, emotional, and thought experiences that I have gained over the past years thanks to TILT. You decide whether you listen to me and believe in me, but never forget one thing. I live in the same cartoon as you.

Part 5

You've cleared out the apartment. You've thrown away objects, gotten rid of quite a few unnecessary things, but the story doesn't end there, because clearing out objects will by no means bring you peace of mind. You can't just get rid of memories that defined your past. After the big spring cleaning, you might have felt that you really felt better, and your soul was lighter, but a few more days will pass, and you'll find yourself in the same emotional slaughterhouse as a few days before, and the memories will slowly creep back into your head.

Then you will think that I was talking nonsense, and that what I suggest is not a solution either. Because it hurts just as much as before, and now those objects are not with you either, which, though completely unnecessarily present in your life, at least gave you momentary peace and something to remember. There was something tangible, and not just an intangible memory in your head. A memory whose outlines become increasingly difficult to discern with the passage of time, yet you want to remember. Because that damned past is needed, of course it is. You need it because if your present is unhappy, you won't see the future more brightly either, so what remains for you? The happy moments lived in the past. But if you exist in the past, you die in the present.

At this point, you'll be angry. Angry at those you would have done anything for, angry at those who have made you feel for years that your life is going nowhere, but primarily angry at me for taking even these objects from you. That little extra that still made you capable of feeling again, because no matter how strong you think you are, you may imagine that you are over the people who fundamentally shaped your life, often the smallest detail of life is enough to instantly plunge you back into that emotional pit from which you have been trying to climb out for months or, in worse cases, years.

Because we are all in a pit, and life is so damned hard precisely because we are constantly trying to climb out of it, which consumes most of our energy. Most of these pits we dig for ourselves with our wrong decisions and human weaknesses, but unfortunately, sometimes the shovel is not in our hands. Parental divorce, poverty, an alcoholic father, a bad childhood, the feeling of exclusion, whatever fate has dealt to whom, the blows individuals suffer differ. But one thing strikes everyone without exception. And that is none other than our emotions. Those certain pits, the strength needed to climb out, the environment around us, which fundamentally determines the magnitude of our strength, and finally our emotions, which are capable of overriding everything.

In this world, emotion is the greatest power, it controls everything. It determines every step of our lives, influences our thoughts, and has an influence without arguments when making our decisions. The eternal struggle of our consciousness and our emotions. The feeling when we know exactly what would be right, what we should do, but our emotions simply sweep away all rationality.

When you stand facing the other person, and you know that's it, the story is over. That it would be best to simply get the hell out of there, but you don't have the strength, your legs don't want to move. The gates have already closed, that life no longer offers you anything, but you are still, you are still standing still, and you are not leaving. Your mind would go, but your heart simply won't let it.

But what are you afraid of? Why aren't you leaving? If you know what you should do, if you know what would be right, then what's holding you back? What did that life give you that you cling to so much? What did your past give you that you still can't let go of? What did it take from you that you feel you can't live a full life without? There are no answers, we know that well, but in this case, you won't need answers, but a solution, because you can't go on like this. Or rather, you can, but it's not worth a damn.

However, emotions can only be answered with emotions. And this is the only weapon we have. Neither time, nor a psychologist, nor friends, nor anyone else will help. In every damned minute of life, we seek emotions, or if we don't get them, we provoke them, or at least try to create the perfect illusion of them. But this will never be enough, you can smoke, drink, push whatever, I know it, it will only get worse later.

In the previous post, I asked you to trust me. Well, now is the time to do what I ask again. The chronology of your new world begins now, and you must take the first steps of this new world now. Without me, without friends, without acquaintances, alone, that is, solely with the person you can always count on in life, yourself. You must take this step alone now, please, do not take anyone with you.

You are about to enter a world that also steeled me, as a result of which I have become so strong that no one and nothing can stand in my way. There are no more obstacles before me, there is no more fear in me, I already know what it takes not only to be able to stand up, but also to be able to move forward. A feeling I first felt 3 years ago. This feeling is the basis of the entire TILT, this feeling started my life, and after 27 years I finally started living.

Rebirth

I don't care what the weather is like outside. I don't care if it's raining, if it's -5 degrees, if you're tired, you have no strength, you've worked 12 hours, the wind is blowing. No matter what's happening around you, what time of day it is, just change your clothes, put on your shoes, and go out into the street.

You don't need to shop beforehand, you don't need the perfect running shoes, the reflective jacket, the headband, the heart rate monitor, you don't need anything. Just start, because you're going to run now. It doesn't matter if you haven't run for 3 years, and it's okay if you can only go 500 meters. Performance is not measured in distances, but by individuals exceeding their limits.

Now stand up and start moving. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Start running. Just start and don't think. Nothing special will happen yet, but we won't need this moment. As long as your legs carry you and you're moving easily, just go, and prepare for the point when you start to get tired, because soon the time will come when you have to start.

When you start to get tired, and before you stop, put on this music. Set it to 3:27, and start moving. It doesn't matter that you're tired, that you can't go on, that you'd rather stop. Just start the music from 3:27, and start moving.

Start running faster and faster. Start running like you've never run before. Don't think about the pain, or that you can't go on, because that's irrelevant right now. You're not preparing for anything else now than to rip your past out of yourself. You have to tear it out of yourself, you have to kill your old self to start a new one, and that's exactly what you're going to do now.

This run will be your rebirth, this will be your emotional transformation. If you stop now, you are finished. You have to go now. No matter what happens around you, you have to keep going. Block out the outside world, block out everything, and when there's only you and the road, and nothing else, when you can barely breathe, and your legs can barely carry you further, then open the gates of hell and let your past in.

Let in everything you wanted to keep away from yourself until now. Dig up every memory. Dig up the most painful points of your past, and let the pain spread through your body, let every feeling you fear permeate you. All anger, disappointment, pain or sense of loss should now come to the surface, and put these energies into this run.

You can't keep running from your memories. You can't keep distracting your thoughts with something else when something comes to mind, because that won't make the pain any less bitter, haven't you really understood that yet? Remember, and take the worst version. He's not with you because he never loved you, you're not where you want to be because you're not enough for life. It doesn't matter what grievance tears at whom, but put it into this run now, and run until the music stops. So run, damn it, run. Run from your past, or run towards your future, it doesn't matter, because if you don't stop now, your past will be much dimmer, and your present more clearly discernible.

Let there be so much anger in you, and let remembering evoke so much emotion in you that you collapse. Break down. I want you to remember, to shatter into a million pieces. Remember as if you were still there, where you suffered so much long ago. In your mind, go back and cry in the closet while you hear your parents shouting, be there when you find out that the love of your life is breaking up with you, when you find out you're being cheated on, when it turns out you've been tricked, when your life fell apart because of the death of a loved one. Relive your failures, bring up everything from your past that hurts. Everything that still affects your present today.

And when you absolutely can't take it anymore, let everything burst out of you. Cry, if you need to, lying on the ground, sitting on a bench, while walking home. Don't care who sees you, or where you are. You have to not care about people. If you truly gave your all, and had the courage to remember, then by now you should have reached a state that cannot be described with words. Because if something truly wonderful happens to us, it cannot be put into words, you have to feel it.

If you feel it, then congratulations. Welcome among the lifetilers. To experience those moments that cannot be put into words. To belong here means exactly that. This is what sport gives, and you have just tasted it. By now you have begun the first steps of your new path, by now your emotional transformation has begun.