28 DAYS LATER
I believe, and I am increasingly convinced, that before every major undertaking, when we pray, or whatever we call the process, we don't ask God to give us an advantage and help us complete our tasks, but simply to not stand in our way.
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We have to face a thousand difficulties in whatever we undertake in life, which we accomplish alone, fighting against the elements, and we only ask the powers above us not to put health or other obstacles in our way that we cannot overcome on our own.
There are no miracles, and I have no illusions in this regard anymore, as it has been proven once again, because my grandmother had a heart attack yesterday. I received a call from my grandfather in the morning, asking me to call an ambulance because grandma was not well. The situation is familiar, almost exactly one year to the day, the same thing happened last year. Back then, she had surgery, and according to the treating physician, the next one would be more serious. This affects me sensitively for several reasons, first of all, because I love them very much. I owe them a lot, and the emotional connection has always been there. I know exactly what this all entails, as we went through this exactly last year. My grandfather can no longer be left alone; he is also seriously ill and his mental faculties are starting to decline, so if grandma goes to the hospital, grandpa has to be brought to the apartment in Budapest, and taken care of. That's where my training program comes in, because in such a situation, the tasks are divided between me and my parents. I go in the morning, bring him breakfast and walk the dog; my father goes at noon with lunch; my mother in the evening with dinner; and in the evening, it's just me again for the dog, and/or to the hospital. That's how it is.
Even so, I live my life with 5-6 hours of sleep a day since I started the program. I get up in the morning, and if all goes well, I get home by 8-9 in the evening, then the blog, and it's midnight. Now I don't know how it will be, because it's obvious, family comes first, and everything else comes after. This is classic in a way, because at least for me, this always happens: when life is going well, I'd get into a rhythm, I'd be moving upwards, my training is intense now, I'm full of energy looking forward to the next few days, and then something happens that pulls me back and tries to push me down emotionally and mentally. I'll keep going, and then we'll see how life unfolds.
It's no coincidence that I gave it this title, because it faithfully reflects my emotional state right now. I remember one of the most shocking events that happened to me in my life, when I saw a parachutist fall at the Gödöllő airport, whose parachute did not open. I must have been 11, but to this day I can still see the image of him spinning in the air and falling. I couldn't look when he hit, I only heard the thud. There's a steep incline on the road leading out to the airport, which I could almost never cycle up. After the incident, I went up it without even noticing I had reached the top. The same thing happened to me yesterday. I couldn't think of anything else but my grandmother, so I worked out yesterday.
Let's get to the training, because that's why we're here, gym, chest-bicep day. For warm-up, I ran a 9-minute hill program. I usually run at intensity 5, but now I put it up to 9 out of 12, and ran out of anger. This week I'm increasing all the weights, I've leveled up in every exercise. There are those points when all the minor bullshit, the annoying daily things accumulate and explode. For me, this happened during training. I started training with higher weights like an animal. I poured all my anger and tension into the weights. Incredible aggression overcame me, and although I felt the increased weights, I think I can say that I completely exhausted myself. I pressed 10 kilos more than before. This is a lot, because sometimes even +–1-2 kg can get the better of someone, especially if they have been training to their limits until now. I didn't care, it didn't bother me. I put such a strain on my muscles that at the end of the ab exercises, my chest and arms trembled so much that I could barely hold my neck.
Who was I angry at? A higher power that perhaps doesn't even exist? Because regardless of everything, I'm starting to discover a certain level of aggression in myself. Gym workouts alone release hormones and stimulate you, even if you just lift weights. I don't take any synthetic crap; everything I take is natural-based + vitamins, but I still feel a certain level of tension in myself. The huge amount of energy within me sometimes feels like it wants to explode. Even on my two rest days, I could barely resist going for a run, but I had to rest. I was thinking that after the program, I'll go boxing or some kind of martial arts training until I start the next training program before summer. I'm not an aggressive person; all my life I've used rational arguments to get myself and others out of situations that would have easily turned into a fight for someone else.
Tomorrow is back day, my vitamins ran out, and in two days I'll run up to the Castle, the time has come for that too. Tomorrow I'll try to snap out of this crappy state. Among other things, because tomorrow won't be 28 days later anymore...
