September is the new January
September is the new January.
At this time, the promises made in June ("I don't care, it's summer now, I can still have this ice cream"), July ("Screw it, I'd be stupid to drink water at a festival like a plant"), and finally August ("It doesn't matter now, I'll sort myself out in September") are already knocking, if not on the refrigerator door, then certainly in our minds.
How far away that rotten September seemed in June! How reassuring it was to comfort yourself all summer with "it's okay, nothing matters now" because September is coming, and then you'll start. It's summer now, I don't care, everyone just leave me alone…
Well, here we are.
IT'S SEPTEMBER FIRST, MY DEARS, TIME TO FULFILL YOUR PROMISES, OR STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND, FOR WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES, SPIT IN YOUR OWN FACE AFTER YET ANOTHER BROKEN RESOLUTION.
The old foxes and seasoned procrastinators already have their new excuses for why they absolutely cannot start right now. They just need to look at the calendar, and the solution is there, because HO HO HO, September 1st falls on a Tuesday, and as it is written in the bible of ancient weaklings, we don't start diets and exercise before Monday, so you still have a good 6 days to convince yourself that you'll start, though we both know you'll only start self-pitying yourself on Monday afternoon, with a huge muffin in your face.
Two weeks will pass in September, and October 1st will be closer than the beginning of September, and how silly would it be to just start something in the middle of the month.
NO.
You'll start on October 1st, but then you'll really, truly start. You might even go buy yourself a pair of running shoes, because as we know, buying running shoes is half the battle. Buying running shoes and other accessories is the ultimate sign of commitment.
Then, in October, you'll sadly discover that it's cold outside. Indeed. Not just any cold, but 12 degrees Celsius, and the wind is blowing, and God forbid, it's even raining. You won't run in such weather; you'd rather go to a great gym, where it's warm, but by then your mind will be racing, okay, gym, but why won't this work for you now, what will be the factor here that will prevent you from going there consistently.
You're already experienced in this, as you've been struggling with +X kilograms for years. The gym membership is not an obstacle; you can afford that. Although you find the 10,000 forint membership fee a bit much, and in your mind, you carefully formulate that yes, indeed, a healthy lifestyle is actually quite expensive. At this point, don't let it confuse you that you've spent that much money in the last 4 days on crappy food, ordering pizza, at Princess on the way home from work, or when you went to the nearby CBA for washing powder. There, a few bars of chocolate might have snuck out with you, maybe some treats, because of course, you absolutely must reward this huge crappy life. So don't confuse yourself with the facts, because the main thing is that a healthy lifestyle is expensive, and there's no room for debate here.
When you enter the gym, don't forget to feel bad about yourself when you see all those muscular men and shapely girls. At this point, you absolutely must have an inferiority complex, and seek out glances and stares. By no means should you focus on yourself and your goals, but rather diligently observe who is looking at what you're doing, what people think of you, and what weights you're lifting.
You know, you're the center of the world, everyone talks about you, especially in gyms, where everyone goes to work out. You don't understand this yet, because you've never really worked out; you still think a gym is like a hair salon, where every woman searches for the whore in the other, but this is not that platform. This is a gym, not the incredibly stupid Cosmopolitan editorial office. Don't worry about these things, just stick to the idea that everyone is looking at you, and feel bad enough so that after you're done, you can admit to yourself that the gym is definitely not for you. You'll lose a little weight first, and then you'll come back.
Yes, that's the best you can do, to go back once you've lost weight. I guess you'll start tomorrow. If it falls on a Monday, of course, only then, but then there's no appeal. To strengthen your resolve, I suggest you go to a shopping mall and buy yourself clothes several sizes smaller. Screw it that you already have three closets full of size 32 and 34 clothes, but now buy your new smaller clothes, thereby reinforcing the fact that you will start next week. You bought very nice clothes, and you want to wear them. It's even possible that they already fit you now, since you haven't eaten for about 4 hours, you also walked about 600 meters from the parking lot, and who knows how much fat you burned with that. If you want to be sure at the Idiots' Olympics, before shopping, pop into a 10-minute cavitation queer thing, or some wrapping nonsense, maybe you've already lost 22 cm. Just try it on, maybe you don't even need to exercise or diet.
No. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Unfortunately, you still look like a pile of tripe pushed against a wire fence in those smaller clothes, but it's okay. Don't cry. Don't get discouraged, you know, your running shoes are at home in the corner, you already have smaller clothes, you'll start next week.
Back to the car. This damn cold again, but now nothing matters, you won't cry through another night at home because of how you look. You're going to show that pretty little slut (what else?) colleague that you're just as good a woman. Starting next week, that's the point. Go ahead and eat that marzipan slice, you still can now. (cries)
12 days have passed in October, and you still haven't started, but it's not your fault, because last Monday was girls' night with your friends. You see each other so rarely, and your guy is a worm to you anyway, you deserve this glass of rosé, and besides, rosé isn't that bad.
Vodka? Sure. Why not, since every self-respecting idiot knows that vodka is diet-friendly. Indeed it is. In Asshole-land, vodka is diet-friendly. Oh, the calories are in the alcohol, and vodka is 40%? No problem. If you read in Kiskegyed that vodka is diet-friendly, then it surely is. Well, a girls' night, you deserve it. You also deserve love and respect, and besides, it's not true how superficial this society is, because it's not all about looks, there are human values in the world too. Because human values certainly exist. For example, if you had to demonstrate this for at least 2 consecutive days, not being a hedonist and not giving a damn about everything, and making excuses to postpone the inevitable, that would be a little better.
But as we know, human value isn't about whether someone can adhere to principles, promises, or prove something to themselves that only requires a little effort and sacrifice, or perhaps overcoming their weaknesses and rising above petty desires, or just themselves.
Human values don't depend on this, and everyone else can shove it, you're happy this way, and that's that. (crying)
After clarifying in your mind that you are a wonderful person, a value in yourself, it's already the end of October. Another morning has arrived, another cursed Monday morning, another 'nothing to wear because everything looks bad' morning. You know, clothes make you look fat, not the actual fat. Your entire last week was spent believing this would be the Monday when everything would be different. Yesterday, you ordered a huge meal because, before a big diet, a big farewell feast is absolutely necessary. You won't be eating such delicious things for a while, so this is your last chance to abuse your body with all sorts of sugary crap, because we know there's no better feeling than waking up with a good carb crash the next day.
You're insanely hungry and you look at your watch. Damn it. You're running late. Even though you bought everything for your diet, you don't have time to prepare your food for the whole day now; you'll grab something on the way, of course, something diet-friendly. Where and when, you don't know yet, but you don't have time to cook now, you'll be late.
You tell everyone that you simply don't have time to bother with your diet, your lifestyle simply doesn't allow for it, and no one understands this. You work a lot, your genetics are bad, even though you do everything, but 24 hours isn't enough for you. Wake up earlier, maybe? Are you kidding, you barely sleep as it is, you're exhausted, tired, you have no energy, your boss is bothering you, if you happen to have children, that's the ultimate trump card. Don't worry that your colleague also has 3 children and looks great, but she probably has a babysitter helping her, which you can't afford. Oh, she earns as much as you do? Then her husband supports her. The point is, it's definitely easier for her than for you. If the ideology doesn't quite add up, then blame it on her having a luckier physique. The main thing is to explain to yourself why you're not a pile of crap, and keep repeating it. If only someone were in your shoes, they'd know what the god of Hungarian women is.
The diet slipped. Not after 3-4 days, no. Around 5 PM. (cries) Never mind, little girl, here's November. New month, new chances. November 1st falls on a Sunday, but never mind, you don't care anymore. You're doing it, and that's that, but wait a minute.
Ah, now's not a good time.
You have to go to the family. You can't hurt your 76-year-old grandmother, your mother would tear your head off if you hurt the poor thing by not eating her apple pie, which she baked just for you.
Then it suddenly hits you. It's November, so January 1st is almost here. Why start now? The holidays are coming, ah, it's useless now. But in the new year…
And this is how it goes every single rotten autumn. Always a new Monday, a new month, a new week, a "next year". The biggest problem with this isn't that you never start, or if you do, you're eating a huge plate of french fries with strictly light mayonnaise by the 7:30 news, but that after every attempt and surrender, the weight of the grand new beginning diminishes.
Christmas comes once a year, and we make a big deal out of it. The Olympics are held every 4 years, and everyone awaits them as a big and important event in life. But what if every Monday was Christmas? After a while, there would be no Christmas trees, no ties, no family brain-farts with relatives. The event, that specific date, would lose its significance, because there's always a new one, a next one, when you can make up for it.
Lifestyle change doesn't depend on dates, but on when you sort things out in your head. You can keep postponing tidying up, but you know, it's not really worth it, because after a while the mess will be so big that it will take inhuman energy just to take out half of it, and the public health authority will still be knocking on your door even after that.
It's September 1st. You decide if this post was about you, or if you're just laughing at the women it was written about. I'll repost this in October. We'll see who kept their promises by then, the ones they were so sure about in mid-summer, saying they'd start in September…
