Let it go

That's kinda how I feel too. I have nothing left to hold onto. I used to think my life would get better if I had more money. If I got everything I wanted, if I didn't have to wait to do what I wanted, how and when I wanted. Then life happened in such a way that what I had longed for, I have now achieved, but it hasn't gotten better, in fact, it's only gotten worse, because I can no longer say, "Okay, it sucks now, but it'll be better later, because with money everything will be easier."

By now I've realized, and this is the most painful realization of my life so far, that no matter what I achieve in life, it will never be enough; I will fundamentally always be dissatisfied with my life, because someone who can't enjoy life and see its beauties with 80 thousand forints a month in their pocket won't find happiness with 800 thousand or 2 million forints either. When this dawned on me, I felt, why struggle on? Where to? For whom? Why? But most importantly, for whom?

People's lives are constantly changing. Thoughts change; what I once believed to be carved-in-stone laws and unshakable, rock-solid bastions, a few years later turned out to be mere castles in the air. However, there were a few thoughts I always believed in, primarily because life constantly validated my belief. The essence of my thoughts described on LifeTilt always revolved around a certain mindset, which stated that a woman has her appearance, and a man has his existence.

I believed that a woman's role in life is to embody tenderness, to create a secure emotional background as a partner and mother, and to represent the mystery inherent in femininity. A man cannot be complete without a woman, because a man is nothing without a woman. He has no one to show off to, no reason to fight for, if there isn't a woman beside him for whom this whole cabaret called life is worth doing. A woman's role is to complement the man, so that he then brings out all his potential. He should fight, constantly build his life, but none of this makes any sense if there isn't a woman beside him, that certain woman for whom he is willing to do anything, thereby achieving anything.

Women are beautiful for men, and to men. Men study and build their existence for women. Not for themselves, but solely and exclusively for women. If there were no women on Earth, do you think I'd bother with LifeTilt here? Would I undertake the immense burden, stress, and a lot of work involved in building what LifeTilt requires? I'd completely disregard it, because there'd be no one to do it for.

I believe in this. That the true role of women is to complete a man, so that he then has the strength to create, to produce something lasting, that is, to push forward the cart of humanity, where the primary consideration is development, the advancement of our civilization, because this must be the sole meaning of life for a man.

This thesis of mine, or whatever you want to call it, has not yet been disproven, but female existence is only one side of gender. On the other side, here we are, men, about whom I have just as strong opinions as I do about a woman's role in life. And this is what collapsed. A collapse that was such a deep blow to me that I haven't recovered from it to this day. That's why I fled into the Aesthetic program, because either I push sports to death, or I choose the other path, complete self-destruction.

As I've already mentioned, the primary role of being a man is to build an existence. To create all the material conditions necessary for starting a family, and in the meantime, to acquire or perfect all those qualities that make a man a man. Because no one becomes a man just by having a penis; much more than that is needed. He has to show the woman, the only one he wants to spend his life with, that he is indeed capable of having children with her. He must assure the woman that he is up to the task, that she can see him as a man. This must not be achieved with words, nor with meaningless promises or future vows, but with actions. Solely and exclusively with actions. Every man who has some pride, desire to act, inclination to create, that is, what makes a man seen as a man, is driven by this kind of strength, nothing else.

I can now say about myself that I have done what my masculinity, my homeland, or female society demands, and I am proud of it. Thinking further about the course of my destiny, I sought a woman who possessed all those qualities that would make me see her as a Woman with a capital W. Someone worth getting up for, and proving myself to with actions day by day. To see a woman by my side who is as much a woman as I consider myself a man, taking into account the qualities and actions already listed.

Last summer, I found this woman. All the innovation and unprecedented soaring of LifeTilt was thanks to this woman. That's why there's a new website, that's why I have my own supplement company, that's why I'm constantly developing Tilt. There was someone to prove myself to, to show that when I come home after an undoubtedly difficult day, there's just someone at home who just looks at me, and I see in her eyes that she's proud of me, proud to have such a man beside her. This gives the essence of the feeling of masculinity; everything else is superfluous, peacocking faggotry. A man isn't a man because he revs his engine, acts cocky, fights, or bangs 58 women a week, but because he sees himself as a man in the eyes of a real woman.

I would have done anything for this woman. LifeTilt is the reference of my life, and everything behind it. To this day, I stably lead a community, through my work I have changed the lives of thousands of people in a positive direction, I have secured myself financially for years in advance, and I have achieved success while continuously conveying value. I stand before anyone, and I stand proudly, because I have a foundation behind me that I built myself with a lot of hard work, and in the meantime, I had the strength to motivate others, and I didn't break even when the weight pressing down on me sometimes seemed to crush me.

I became super-hardened. I became super-hardened because the path I've walked, the time it took to build LifeTilt, made me tough and extremely purposeful, because the journey is what matters, not the destination. This is what fortifies you. The struggle and overcoming obstacles, because believe me, there were plenty of obstacles.

The word "man," just like the expression "I love you," is a word that cannot be thrown around lightly. The underlying content that these words represent conveys qualities and feelings that cannot be simply worn out. Conscious of this, I can declare that by now I have become a man, and I can represent this at any time, in any life situation.

However, life brought it about that my entire theory became null and void on September 29, at 8:40 PM, and I haven't recovered since. The woman I truly loved, for whom I would have done anything, beside whom I always performed at my best, simply gave up on me and threw away everything I offered her. She threw away me, Tamás Balogh. Not Benedek Bence, but Tamás Balogh.

All my theories collapsed that day, because sometimes people don't achieve something. They don't get the person they could be happy with, they don't achieve the appearance they envision for themselves, or they don't get the job, apartment, lifestyle, or anything they want, for which they have longed for so long. Yes, but most of the time people only get as far as longing, but they either do nothing to achieve it, or they think they are doing something, when in fact it's still damn little for anything. Every goal you don't achieve is solely your fault, because you didn't do everything to achieve it. I did everything I could. I cannot tell myself that I did something wrong, or that I didn't put enough emotional energy into it, that something was missing, and if it had been there, everything would have turned out differently. There was no such thing. I did everything, and there was no problem with the underlying content either. I loved this girl honestly and purely. I loved her in a way I can only love very few, or could in the past, and even that wasn't enough.

And I simply cannot process this. If you feel empty and experience immense disappointment, what do you do? What can you do besides not understanding, and not knowing why you weren't enough? It's not just the end that hurts. This happens in everyone's life; relationships end one way or another, that's the order of life. It's not just the emotional rejection that hurts, but that I simply wasn't wanted. And this is the point I cannot make sense of as a man...