Home with the Kids – Day Two

I don't know who else is familiar with that feeling when, after a long break, you go for a run around the island again, and after 300 meters you feel like, oh my god, this is really bad, and there's still 5 km to go.

Well, that's kind of how I feel now. Everything seemed so simple, but now, either because of my commitment or I don't know why, today was really bad.

Everything started fine, the child woke up, I made him breakfast, we played, Ádi had his mid-morning snack, then I put him down for a nap. 

This was the point where I felt everything would be alright, everything was going according to plan. I had to leave home today, and the plan was to take the child with me to run errands after his nap. It wasn't a big trip, but Ádi is the kind of child who absolutely can't stand car rides, and by "can't stand" I mean he's maxed out at 90 minutes of being chill, after that comes the crying. 

No problem, I was prepared. 

The child woke up, and that's when the first face-plant happened, because for me, leaving the house means 45 seconds, but with a child, a simple departure takes at least 20 minutes. Just putting on the child's shoes was a 5-minute ordeal. Ádi has this travel bag with a diaper, wipes, a change of clothes, food, water, his pacifier – but not just any pacifier. Only a certain design works for him because he doesn't like the other one. So it's all a pain in the ass, and of course, while I gather everything, the child is already screaming on the floor because it's a given that I've already put his coat, hat, and everything else on him before gathering my things. 

Then, just when everything is ready and we could finally leave, but only "could," he poops, and I have to change him, because if he's not clean, he won't last even 2 seconds in the car without crying. 

I took care of what needed to be done. Kid out of the car, then in, all this three times, because I went to 3 places, and on the way back, I swore to myself, never again. Definitely not again.

The first big lesson for me today was that mothers don't leave the house because they have nowhere to go, but because moving around outside the house with a child is such a hassle that I think I'd rather stay home for the next 29 days.

But the problem wasn't even dragging the kid around, it was feeling like I was racing against time. Against time, where I'm in one lane, and next to me is the child, who could break down at any moment because he's tired, or had enough, or is hungry, or I don't know what. Honestly, I saw an hourglass in my mind's eye, constantly running, and I had less and less time. 

And I somehow got utterly exhausted by this. Maybe because of the weather front, or I don't know, but my head started to hurt. But not just a simple headache, but that kind of headache that comes with extreme fatigue. Well, that's when you'd rather just lie down and sleep. But I couldn't now, because of lunch, playing, and putting him to bed. 

There's a constant stress in raising a child at home, which is present even when the child is sleeping. Some underlying constant that I can't really articulate now, but this something is constantly draining your energy.

Perhaps it's the responsibility, or the constant vigilance, so your 1-year-old doesn't die by swallowing some small trinket, or doesn't fall in a way that bangs their head on the corner of the coffee table.

Yes, I think this is the hardest part, this constant state of readiness, where something is happening even when nothing is happening.

Reni came home around 4 PM. Normally, I'd hand the child over to her then and go do my own thing, but not now. The child stayed with me. And that was the point when it dawned on me that I was in a lot of trouble. I knew there would be tough days, but I didn't expect the bad to come so soon. By 6, I was very tired, and I was just waiting for 7 o'clock to start the bedtime routine. Bath, pajamas, and sleep.

But you know what was the worst part of it all? Reni's face, and seeing that she was absolutely loving the whole thing. I saw that enormous sense of satisfaction on her face, like, 'Well, son, look, this is what I've been doing for months.'

Today, I was "only" taking care of the child, so to speak. I didn't do laundry, didn't clean, didn't cook. I simply had no energy for it, and I couldn't bring myself to start. So much so that while I was completely zoned out watching the evening match on TV, Reni came over to me and said that after dinner, we needed to clear up, and that she would show me how to use the dishwasher, but first I should load the dishes into it. Well, that was actually the worst part of the day.

I can only hope tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow, then the day after, but it has to get better sometime. If not, this will be a very tough month. 

Now I'm going to sleep it off. 

By sleeping it off, I mean that Ádi wakes up at 5 AM, but before that, just to be safe, he also wakes up around midnight for a little milk. Just like he always does. And just like I don't usually do.