At Home with the Kid – Day Eighteen

As Ádi got better, Reni completely collapsed with the same momentum. 

While the child was sick, she held on, but as soon as she saw the child was fine, she had time to focus on herself and her own problems, and this is the worst possible for Reni if she starts pondering what is happening to her and what awaits her. 

One of my friends wrote a message asking how Reni was. 

Physically well – I replied, and that answer said it all. The guy didn't ask anything else after that. 

Reni's low point came on the third day she spent at home after her surgery. I'm playing with the child downstairs, Reni is reading something behind me, then suddenly she starts crying and runs upstairs to the bedroom, from where she didn't come down all day, and I don't even think she got out of bed much. I went in to comfort her several times, but it was completely hopeless. 

Why her, what should she do now, she doesn't want radiation therapy, and our day passed in a similar mood, which on one hand I absolutely understand, but on the other hand, I don't at all. After this day, I had a serious conversation with Reni, in which I outlined to her that what happened, happened, and what awaits us, awaits us, but she has to be strong now, whether she wants to or not, because our family cannot lose its mother, that is, the emotional and spiritual support of our family. She simply cannot allow herself to let the children see their mother in such a state, and I won't allow her to either. 

I won't allow it, because even though the child is 1 year old, they immediately sensed what was happening, became incredibly fussy, and completely confused. 

I truly understand everything and accept that we have to process the blows, but besides that,

we are parents, and unfortunately, that also means we have to be strong even if we are the weakest inside.

There's a parking lot near our house where I always stop for 10-20 minutes on my way home to calm down, depending on how much of a circus my work was that day. I mentally put work aside and re-tune myself. I re-tune, calm down, and never, ever

bring negative energy, stress, or tension home. 

As soon as I walk through the door, neither Reni nor the children should feel anything of the stress I experienced that day.

Because this is our task as parents: to protect our children. Not just from sharp objects or swallowable trinkets, but also from all the crap we might bring home from the outside world.

Thankfully, Reni is an intelligent woman and immediately understood what I told her. She pulled herself together incredibly quickly, which our family, and especially Ádi, desperately needed.  As Reni's general mood improved, so did the child's. Until then, the child couldn't be put down because they would start crying hysterically, and even then, they would only calm down if I picked them up. 

https://www.facebook.com/lifetiltblog/videos/297069884292365/

 

Even though I'm smiling in the video, I was going through some really tough days back then. 

If someone were to ask me now if it's good to be home with the child, or if I'd rather go back to work, I couldn't give a clear answer. I couldn't answer because my answer would heavily depend on which day they asked me.

There are the very bad days when the child is simply unbearable. They cry if you put them down, cry if you want to play with them, cry if you change their diaper, if you dress them, if you take them for a bath, when they have trouble falling asleep, but wake up super fast in return – so there are these truly awful, terrible, wormy days. After such days, if someone were to ask if I'd go back to work instead of being home with the child, my answer would definitely be a huge, brutally big yes, and I wouldn't even go home for days afterwards. After such days, I'd want two things: to get thoroughly drunk and cry somewhere in the fetal position.

Then there are those days when everything is fine. The child eats, sleeps, is cheerful, plays by themselves, indicates their sleepiness not by crying but by rubbing their eyes, so when EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Well, on such a day, I wrote that certain post "why isn't it good for women to be home with the child?", and if someone asks on such a day what it's like to be home with the child, I would say that it was the best decision of my life to be home with Ádi for 30 days instead of working. After such days, I wouldn't even consider it impossible to stay home with Ádi until he starts kindergarten, and I wouldn't go back to work for anything. 

Being at home with a child is a true game of Russian roulette, and you never know if that day you'll break down and go crazy begging for mercy, or if you'll be the happiest person, grateful for every minute you get to spend with your children.

As I write this post, I have 18 days spent at home behind me, so now I'd like to summarize what's happened so far and also evaluate myself.

Child

The child is alive, but I think that's pretty much a minimum expectation category. In this whole program, the child enjoys absolute priority, no matter what. This means that if the child was very problematic that day and required serious attention, I simply put everything else aside and focused only on the child. Ádi should be fed, drink at least 800 ml every day, always be changed, and go to sleep when I see signs of fatigue. I pay the most attention to this above all else, because if I don't put the child to sleep on time, Ádi gets overtired and the circus begins.

Regarding the child, there's only one thing I'm not satisfied with, and that's maintaining their daily routine. To this day, the child doesn't live at the pace and daily routine that Reni devised, and which was otherwise perfectly good for the child. 

I parent effectively, Reni parents as only a mother can. For me, feeding or bathing is a task to be done, which I want to accomplish as efficiently as possible. If the child needs to eat, there's a bowl of food, they eat it, and that's it. But Reni doesn't feed like that. For her, feeding is not a task, but a manifestation of care. Maybe I can't articulate this clearly now, but this is precisely that intangible extra that only women are capable of. I could die trying, but I could never care for the child the way their mother can, without any effort at all. 

This is my biggest realization so far. A mother simply cannot be replaced. 

What I need to improve on

• I need to pay more attention to the child's daily routine. 
• Don't secretly give him apple juice and vanilla pudding
• Don't bathe him under the tap but in the tub.

Housework

I've always experienced this housework thing as a kind of collateral damage. For 30 days, I'm doing what Reni does at home, and besides childcare, this silly stuff is also part of it. I've written before about the important role women play in creating a warm home, and an important part of that warmth is order, cleanliness, clean clothes, and everything else that needs to be done under the heading of housework.  

laundry

This is my favorite. I wash diligently like crazy. Separately for the child's clothes with soap nuts (don't ask, I don't know), separately for colors, whites, blacks, I use different washing programs, so this part is perfectly fine, but honestly, I like it too. If I had to continue doing one thing, I would choose this.

What I need to improve on

• Take out the wet clothes within 12 hours after washing, otherwise they'll rot and I'll have to wash them again.

washing dishes

Here I have problems. I don't do anything I don't see the point of. I say this not just about housework, but about everything in my life. If there's a more rational or easier solution, I'll do it that way. In this case, I don't understand this dishwashing thing. If it were up to me, I'd simply buy plastic plates, cups, and cutlery, and the problem would be solved. I know, the Earth and all, but don't worry, Reni doesn't allow paper cups and plates. It would look silly next to her Herend porcelain set in the cabinet, which, of course, I also have to wash. I don't like washing dishes, but I do it. Not with a machine, by hand, because it's faster that way.

What I need to improve on

• I should also wash the dishes that Reni washes for me.

ironing

Completely forgettable. I'm not willing to iron. I know women who even iron towels and socks, but then again, I also know people who went mad, so that doesn't get us any further. If I had a job where I had to wear a shirt, it would be different, but I don't have such a job, so there's nothing to discuss. 

What I need to improve on

• Nothing. I am perfectly satisfied with the fact that I don't iron.

vacuuming

I have no problem with it, I do it if absolutely necessary, but I've come up with a trick for that so I don't have to do it so often. Reni usually starts bothering me about vacuuming when there are visible crumbs or mud I brought in from the street in the apartment. As soon as I notice it, and before Reni says anything, I grab the broom and sweep up the visible things, so the apartment looks clean. Reni is happy that there's no dirt, and if mommy's happy, everyone's happy, and I get to skip a vacuuming. 

What I need to improve on

• Not writing this down, because if Reni reads this, she'll definitely make me vacuum the whole house tomorrow out of revenge.

tidying up

A rule I introduced is that everyone tidies up after themselves. Dórika does, Reni does, and I try not to leave everything scattered around the apartment. This is going so well that yesterday I went to my mom's place, and I started tidying up after myself there too. You know, there are these moment-stopping moments in life when you suddenly stop and are surprised by what you're doing.

Reni, by the way, is a great partner, she supports me in everything. In this program too. This box was on the table like this for 2 days, but Reni didn't touch it, she waited for me to put it away. 

I think this post should end on a high note, and with that empty pudding box on the table, we've certainly reached that height. There would be a few more things, like cooking and cleanliness, but I'll continue with those in the next post because this one is already too long. 

And speaking of the next post. In the next post, I will talk about how this role reversal affected my relationship with Reni, and generally how it impacted our marriage.