Home with the Kiddo – Day Seven

I'm tired.

But this shouldn't be understood as my day was difficult and I was exhausted by evening. That's not what this is about. My overall energy level is continuously decreasing.

Every day is harder than the last, even when I relatively feel like I've slept enough. I was really looking forward to the weekend, I really expected that the week was over, the weekend would come, and I'd rest a little. Then, around Saturday afternoon, it slowly dawned on me that if you're raising a child 24/7, there's no weekend, no holiday, no day off. When I realized this, it hit me pretty hard.

I even photographed the worst part of it.

Here's my son playing in the playground, and I had already been watching for 20 minutes, wondering when he would put the pebbles in his mouth. I think, no, I don't think, I know for sure that this was the point when I broke down. The constant readiness wore me out.

I'm on standby when the child is awake because I feel like I need to check on him at least once a minute to see if he's about to swallow something, because Adi tends to put everything in his mouth. I remember three months ago he swallowed a large piece of a Túró Rudi wrapper, and the child started choking. I reached into his throat, literally into his throat, and spooned out that piece of plastic with my finger.

It was a terrible experience, but after that incident, I pulled a metal ball out of his mouth three more times, once a pebble, and I don't even know what else, but those were also last-minute-noticed stories.

Every hour passes with me wondering what he's found that he could choke on, what he'll pull down on himself, or when he'll stick his hand into an electrical socket. These one-year-olds have no sense of danger whatsoever. A recurring image in my head is that if Adi saw a huge crocodile, the child would giggle and walk towards it, babbling, and easily put his head in its mouth. 

So that's what it's like when he's awake, but when he's asleep, the situation isn't much better, because ever since I've had a child - and this isn't just true for the past few days, so ever since I've had a child - I hallucinate every single sound, UNDERSTAND every sound, as a child crying. The stupid cat meowing, when I'm watching a movie, while listening to music, a dog barking in the distance, the older child's YouTube video sounds, I mean, I could really say anything, it always sounds like I'm hearing Adi crying. I'd rather not talk about the household now, because one usually doesn't talk about truly terrible things. 

But the kind of exhaustion I'm talking about isn't Adi's fault, or the household's, but solely my own.

I made the mistake of completely neglecting myself, and not dealing with anything related to me or my comfort at all.

Just let Adi have everything, just let nothing bad happen to him, play with him if he wants to play, pay attention to his sleeping schedule, notice if he's hungry, give him a drink if he's thirsty, change his diaper in time, and on top of that, I really tried to do everything under the guise of cleaning so that the neighbors wouldn't call the public health authority on us.

And where was I during all this? I was nowhere. It didn't matter what was with me, because now I don't matter, right? It's fine for me to eat something twice a day, but only because it occurs to me that it's 3 PM and I still haven't eaten anything. That something will be fine. It doesn't matter what it is, in fact, it doesn't even have to be good, the more important aspect is that when it occurs to me that I should eat something, it should be as close as possible, preferably already prepared, so I don't have to cook, and that's fine. My broccoli cream soup stained t-shirt is fine, the smeared pants, I just put something on in the morning, it doesn't matter what, after all, I'm just at home with the child, screw my needs. 

And that's where I made a big mistake, doing it that way during the first week. I pushed myself to the background, and I didn't pay attention to myself, even though I shouldn't have made such a mistake even if I was consciously an idiot. 

I'm increasingly noticing in myself, and I think most mothers fall into the trap of perceiving every minute they spend on themselves and not their children as a form of selfishness, and I'm almost 100% sure they feel guilty about it.

You decide to buy yourself some new clothes. You leave home and return with a bag full of children's items. Sound familiar? If you have 10,000 forints, why would you spend it on yourself if you could spend it on the child?

Yet, if you don't make time for yourself, if you don't recharge yourself, then how can you give to your children when you yourself are empty, tired, and completely overwhelmed?

What do you give when you have nothing left? 

I'm drained and exhausted, and I have nothing left to give. Adi comes to play with me, and I play with him, but I'm not mentally there. I'm doing it, but I'm not invested, I'm present, but there's no energy flow, but how could there be if I'm depleted?

This is the biggest lesson of the first week for me: if I don't make time for myself, if I can't recharge myself, then I can't give anything to my son, because if I don't have it, what do I give?

I need "me time," and I just virtually vomited myself because I used to throw up at the phrase "me time," but now I have to admit, yes, it makes sense, and what's more, it has huge significance. 

It's not just a "throw something in" for me, but normal, calm meals. I don't just need to play with the child, but I also need workouts, I need an hour every day, I need to find that one hour to recharge myself. 

My first week was spent holding my ground. My first week was spent not failing in my commitment, but at this point, I need to level up, otherwise, I won't be able to handle it. 

Not only does the child exist, but I do too.

This isn't selfishness; in reality, you're not doing it for yourself, but indirectly for the child as well. A child doesn't need a sedated, worn-out, dilapidated, totally collapsed "that's fine for me" person, but someone who can give them everything they need. And what does a child need?

You. 

So, a re-plan. Next week, I need to do things a bit differently. I need to go work out, eat properly, and find time to take care of myself. 

Alongside the child, alongside the household.