Petra report Day 25

 

It's no coincidence that I've been putting off writing a new post for weeks. I'm receiving too many impulses, and my emotional state is also very extreme, as you could read in Tomi's summary. For a long time, I searched for the cause of my constant crying and low points. I don't know exactly when it started, often I don't even know how many days I've been doing it, and often I don't want to acknowledge how much more I have to go, then other times I proudly announce the happenings, the successes. When I was mentally preparing for the challenge ahead, I never would have thought that I would be able to physically get myself in shape sooner than emotionally. The growth of my self-confidence is not particularly proportional to the shaping of my body.

Happy f…..g  easter!

I'm often hungry, and it also struck me during Sunday night's movie that out of 6 commercials, 4 were definitely for some snack or "Angyalos greedy family yogurt", or "Kids being taught to lick the filling out of the middle of the cookie", or "Marzipan-orange red polka dot delicacy".

At the Siófok Easter festival, you can only get roast pig, fresh strudel, lángos bread, brittle, gummy bears, mashed potatoes with onions, sausage with mustard, cabbage, hake, cotton candy, ice cream, beer, wine, and pálinka. Perhaps the order of the list is not accidental; yes, I would have eaten through the menu in exactly this order a month ago. And just when you think you'll find refuge in the family nest, Grandma comes along with her "eat caramel cake, you must be hungry from Siófok" endearment, regardless of the fact that on the day of my arrival, instead of greeting me, I started by saying:

"for the next 3 days, no one can ask me if I'm hungry"

I don't want to hear the question either: "you can't even eat the broth of the fish soup"

"fish doesn't make you fat, eat it"

(Grandma, seriously, nothing is fatter than pond fish)

"if we put corn in the rice, that's allowed, right?"

"you'll eat the edge of the cake that doesn't have cream?"

And the best:

"that's not even food you're eating, how do you manage, oh my god"

(thank you, I've managed perfectly so far)

To avoid any conflict, most of the time I slept, cycled, watched the sunset, dangled my feet in Lake Balaton, and gave a product demonstration on the secrets of making protein shakes, combined with a tasting. After that, everything went quiet. I'm not saying I didn't have some tense moments, but I completed the mission.

"I can't wait for May 1st…"

Another critical point

Tomi had been begging me for days to take the new photos needed for the Day 15 summary, and I just cried and kept telling him that I was bloated from something, and how could we take pictures with my big stomach. He even called my brother to talk some sense into me. I avoided the scale, and anyone who asked me how much weight I had lost, I answered:

"I have no idea, I'm afraid to step on the scale"

Considering that I didn't see any radical changes in myself, I was terrified that when I showed myself, I would get the answer that I wasn't doing something right, but what I feared most was that Tomi would think I had cheated and would just give up on the whole thing. (Which isn't true, he's just always so damn distrustful and he voices it.)

He never gave me positive or negative feedback during the 15 days. His only question to me every single time was: "Well, have you lost weight??"

And I shook my head and nodded at the same time.

For the first time, I saw Tomi truly angry…

…when I promised him that we would take the pictures after my run, and despite that, I started to shirk my duty, whereupon he told me:

"you know, if there are no pictures today, I'm done with you".

I know he meant it seriously.

I stood in front of the camera as if my tooth was being pulled, and after that, I didn't even acknowledge them, not even when I saw a hint of satisfaction on Tomi's face. (I didn't formulate it this way by accident.) I didn't want to see it, I just sat on the floor with my back to the computer, like a sulky stupid kid. At times like these, thankfully, I realize quite quickly that I'm behaving foolishly, so I crawled over to peek, hoping there might be some change.

…and there was. I think I was the most surprised of all to see my own picture, and then I smiled and noted that I have a pretty good butt, now that it's visible from under the cellulite. This happened on Thursday, and by Saturday I had pretty much dug myself out of self-pity, dolled myself up, and went out to party in the dress my brother talked me into. I had a really, really good time, and my surroundings also saw and commented on it.

The Triumvirate

There are 3 men in my life whose opinions truly matter to me (regarding my appearance), because they are the most honest possible, which I don't say doesn't hurt most of the time. Be it positive or negative, they hit hard, but I develop through it. Previously, I was able to get offended by everything. Nothing has changed in them, they are not more gentle, it's just that I know now that just because "everyone around me is stupid" and I bury my head in the sand sulking, my butt won't get smaller.

My dad at Christmas during gift opening: "My daughter, oh my god, what a butt you have." My dad a week ago: "My daughter, you're very hot, but what does your head look like? Do you sleep enough?"

(Well, I do sleep, it's just that we met during one of my "falling apart" moments)

My little brother, who now proudly shows me off to everyone, every friend, like a circus monkey, chooses clothes for me, and meticulously makes sure I don't put any inappropriate food in my mouth. He even ate all the chocolates sent for Easter before me, and didn't even tell me that they had sent some for me too. Most recently, he even slept with his strawberry drink and cocoa, just so I wouldn't drink from them at night. Not that at 19 he would think that women (in this case, me) are weak-willed and emotionally unstable, but who knows what one does in their sleep.

Tomi, who by no means lets me get a little too confident, still strongly calls me fat and after every mirror examination contemptuously remarks that there's still a lot to scratch off me. He doesn't bat an eyelid, but subtly indicates that we need to train my thighs and butt a little harder.

He probably didn't tell me openly to my face that my butt is still big and my thighs are thick because my mouth was already getting ready to cry again. Fortunately, I understand the message anyway and I also see where the "critical points" are. At my first job, my boss, who happened to be a man, often emphasized: "Crying is blackmail." Even then, I didn't understand what he meant by that. In any case, I limited the number of meetings with my father and brother to a minimum of once a week solely so that the change would be more noticeable. :) I can't do that with Tomi.

All you can move

The workout

Given that this area is quite sensitive for me lately, I will only write a little about it. Last week, for the first time, I felt no desire to run or work out. Since in my case this is not a matter of desire, I was forced - literally - to drag myself there. Moreover, I could only go after 10, so instead of Fitness 2000, I ended up at the non-stop Gilda. It's not a bad little gym, and there are hardly any people after 10. Tomi remarked the other day that he wasn't sure if I was doing the gym exercises correctly.

On Thursday, I realized I definitely wasn't, when I decided to experiment with what it might be like to do them correctly and also increased the weights wisely. (what the fuck? what did you do? -ed.)

I was incredibly tired, but I worked out until every muscle in my body ached… not like an animal, just enough to feel it working, and to wish it all to hell halfway through. I spent 3 hours in the gym, making the most of every minute as productively and usefully as possible. I suffered a lot, and even the sauna afterwards didn't feel good. :( I can't add anything to the running, I do it because I have to. Currently, this is how I feel about it. If anyone were to look for passion in this, they wouldn't find it. I know this is just a temporary state and I will love it again.

If I grumble about the workout, the following answer comes: (everyone can guess from whom)

"NO ONE SAID IT WOULD BE EASY!!!!"

Everyone should engrave this in their minds!

Petra

P.S.: It feels good that so many of you are rooting for me!