Tyler Durden
The other day I was thinking about my future. I lay down on the carpet and stared at the ceiling for hours, my head filled with constantly swirling thoughts and feelings. I wasn't dwelling on the past because I don't give a damn about it. The events of the past have never really excited me, and besides, no one cares but me. I was thinking about the future and the lifestyle I've been living for almost 10 years now, with minor and major interruptions. It's a life characterized by hedonism and extremes, where better periods and really deep lows constantly alternate. In 2009, for example, there wasn't a week when I didn't get absolutely plastered at least 4 times, and it wasn't uncommon for me to smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. At night, I played poker, roulette, and the girls, who are constant variables in my life, mean nothing because they are like the person you travel with on a tram for a few stops and then, after you get off, you never see them again. For years, my life has been like such a tram, full of strangers pretending to be friends, and quite a few girls who thought they could come with me to the terminal station, but sooner or later, they all got off, and they knew it somewhere too. I've been with many girls over the years, and most of them had boyfriends. Three months ago, six months ago, 10 months ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, fiancées and neglected girlfriends. Fallen lovers, every single one of whom wanted something from me, or just simply from life. Uncertain women who never got anything from me but still somehow I was able to change their thoughts, and that's really why they were with me or attracted to me. Some were insecure about their femininity, while others were disappointed and looking for a way out. Women who are looking for themselves, their place in the world, and looking for a man to find their world. I never cheated on these girls. I told them from the very beginning not to fall in love with me and there would be no problem…
Most of them just simply didn't like their boyfriends and sought support in me because they were too weak to make a change on their own. They needed a branch to swing to the next person they hoped would be better, or with whom they could lie to themselves about being happy. Women who want to feel and believe. To believe in a world that only a man can truly make them believe in, and in reality, speaking the language of women means just that. They wanted to feel something that they no longer got at home because they had grown tired of the relationship, and their boyfriends had grown tired of them. The fire is gone, and at home, the weapon called woman is no longer effective. These girls came over because they wanted to come over, and yet, when I asked them why they were with me, almost none of them could answer. "You're good to be with" was the obligate unanimous answer, but why it was good, none of them could truly answer. Lying on the floor, these girls were in my head, and the situations and life circumstances I experienced with them. Men are said to be disgusting in what they do to women, and every guy is a lying asshole worm. This is true, but I still say that what one or two girls did to their alleged boyfriends went far beyond the point that Orwellian society simply knows as synonymous with disgusting. I could list the selected nastiness that women did to the man they loved, with whom they were together, and with whom they presented themselves to the world as a couple. I'm not complaining that I had to spend most of my time with such girls because I choose them and this lifestyle. It's easier, much easier. It's easier for me because if you're screwing a girl who has a boyfriend, your part will only be sex, while the boyfriend gets all the rotten negatives of the relationship when he goes home. Just sex and nothing else. Empty sexual encounters without emotions (for a while). It's a shame that this can't last forever, because women are emotional beings, and after a while, all of them bring the emotional factor into the encounters when it comes to the point where I have to step in and get off. I don't really know what I'm afraid of, but I'm very afraid of it. One girl asked why I never kiss her? Because that's your boyfriend's job, I answered. Just as these women mean nothing to me, I am just a parenthesis in their lives. I am the escape, the breaking point from their daily lives, a thought put in parentheses, a part of their lives that they cannot tell and that they cannot put in their number one display world. Women are strange because they seek security, and when they find it, they start dreaming about men they cannot have, and whom they can never, ever keep because these men were born free or simply decided to be so. Wild horses they want to break, and then they are surprised if it doesn't work out.
These, and similar thoughts, were swirling in my head when I realized that a part of my life does not exist. Meaningless, empty relationships, superficial acquaintances, and that certain feeling of being outside of society in everyday life, which is represented by those damned minutes of the meaningless, always the same, monotony of weekdays. Balogh Tamás used to be an existing person, whom I no longer know, and who exists less and less. Benedek Bence was born in 2005, during that period of my life when I really started to live, among other things, by going to England, breaking the rules, and not giving a damn about anything. After I came home, I wrote posts of a completely different topic on partyphoto.hu, but in a similar style as here. It was a huge success, and after a while, a part of partyphoto.hu's visitors only read me, generating more and more readership for the site, and I know from there that by then I had access to the editorial office. We went to parties, and people recognized us. They came up to me and said…
- Damn, are you Esco?
- Yes.
- Are you messing with me?
- Yes, but it's really me.
Such conversations, and similar ones, took place several times each evening. Bence was born there and became more and more dominant in me. I have been living my everyday life as Benedek Bence for a long time now, and I finally realized this these days. Lifetilt has become an important part of my life, with serious plans for it. At one point, I wrote my articles to be sued for them because I wanted publicity at all costs. A public lawsuit with Gastroyal or Il Treno where we can confront our arguments, and in which I cannot lose because what they sell is garbage, and the way they present it strongly conflicts with the concept of deception. I don't know exactly where I'm going, and whether the direction I've set for myself will be good, but I've made my decision and the outcome will be clear within months.
I have plans for the blog, and for what is expressed in it. It caused a minor stir that I want to go into a show that is unacceptable above a certain level, and incompatible with middle-class communication and social relationship systems, and embracing any kind of community with VV5 does not fit into this system. I understand the astonishment and disappointment. If I remember correctly, words like hypocrisy were uttered about what I'm doing, and how I could betray my readers by going into a show that is associated with immorality and worthlessness. Why do I go among people who live on the lowest rungs of the social ladder, both socially, intellectually, and culturally, and whose daily activities, vocabulary, behavior, and styles do not meet even minimal criteria points? I, the lying prophet, who speaks of morality, strength, intellectual integrity, and human advantages, how can I embrace community with the spirit of reality TV? This would be difficult to explain, and once upon a time, I even wrote that this blog would only operate as long as it maintained its credibility. I'm talking about one of the most important things now, my credibility, which if I lose, then there's no going back because how and on what basis could I send to hell those whom I consider spineless scumbags when, in the eyes of many after my reality TV decision, I became on the same level as them. My answer is very simple. If a person is human, they can remain human under all circumstances. My great-grandmother, at the age of 93, coughed unconsciously on her deathbed and put her hand in front of her mouth, because her genes and upbringing demanded it of her. Upbringing and adherence to social rules. Adherence to the protocol of life even in the most extreme circumstances. Remaining human doesn't mean snobbing your face off while living in a comfort zone, and if you break out of it, the animal comes out of you, and you shit all over everything with a green-painted tail.
As I mentioned, I have goals in life, and I also have goals for Lifetilt. These are ambitious plans, such as making school meals healthier and removing all sugary junk from school cafeterias nationwide, just to mention these two. Would it be a utopian fantasy? Or a feasible process that, if organized from the bottom up, could make sense if those at the top don't give a damn? I take these dreams seriously and I want to make them come true, because I have to make them come true. I am not enough for this alone. For this blog to move forward and not just be a site you check in the office every morning, I have to do things that will help me achieve my goals, because it's useless to shout what's right if no one hears it over the roar of the crowd. But if you join me and can continue to identify with me, then after a while we will cross the noise threshold and they will have to hear us. These are good and acceptable things. Values that can be rallied behind, proudly embraced, and that I will represent as a human being in the real world if I get in. I do all this with the resolute, uncompromising, and obstacle-defying enthusiasm that you see from me here on the blog day after day. With Lifetilt, I found myself, and you found me. Together, we can achieve something. Don't let me down because I need you. Trust me, I know what I'm doing...
