We have to go back

When the time comes, and we take stock of our lives, when all the frills have fallen away, what will we tell ourselves? Did we do everything that life predestined us for, or did we simply settle for the lukewarm crap that so eagerly surrounds the daily lives of billions of people for decades?

Among those reading this post, who are the ones who have gone to their limits, truly to their freaking limits? Who has had enough courage to find out what they are truly capable of? Who are the ones who make their dreams come true, accepting failure, rejection, ostracism, stigmatization, the seemingly endless flood of disappointments, or the constant emotional pressure?

I believe that one should constantly push their limits. If they achieve something, they should not lean back, but move on, and search for that point which already exceeds their abilities, because the path they have travelled so far already involves development.

Until May 13, 2014, I thought I was invincible. I thought I was capable of anything, and there was no higher power or authority that could stop me. I believed I was an exceptional person, born to lead, and for me, the sky was the limit, but not even that, because if I reached the stars, I would still go further. I believed this was true because until that certain day, everything I started, I brought to a successful conclusion; what I dreamed of, I achieved.

Success blinded me. They made me believe I was more because a person who literally creates an ideology, a company group like LifeTILT from nothing, is indeed superior to the average, and called to do more. I believed I was God, and after a while, I saw myself that way. I, Tamás Balogh, about whom his homeroom teacher told my mother after a parent-teacher conference, "Mrs. Balogh. Your son will never amount to anything, because with such a mentality and behavior, it's impossible," achieved more in 10 years than all my classmates combined.

My lecture at Corvinus University was the final confirmation of this delusion. I went to that lecture thinking, now I'll find out what's inside me. In front of 400 people, at one of Hungary's most prestigious universities, in the largest lecture hall, I would find out what I was truly capable of.

The lecture was a total success. In my mother's eyes, perhaps for the first time, I saw genuine pride; it was then that she realized who I had become, what I had created, and that she could finally be proud of her son, who had been nothing but trouble his whole life.

Then, there, I truly believed that I could not only impact the lives of a few thousand women but also realize my long-cherished dream. Yes. I would be the person to reform public catering in schools, systematize physical education classes, and integrate healthy lifestyle lessons into the National Core Curriculum. At that time, I felt I had found the meaning of my life. There was a reason for my existence, and I had a mission: to create and implement the great healthy lifestyle reform.

I played the whole thing out in my head. I had my strategy for how I would carry it out, I thought everything through in advance. I started setting an insane pace for myself, and I began laying the foundations upon which we could build. Preliminary estimates suggested at least 35-40 million forints would be needed, but I thought, no problem, the income from supplements would cover the expenses; I would use that to support my reform ideas, while continuously touring the country's universities, spreading the word that a new era was dawning, that LifeTILT would bring salvation in the field of healthy living, and reform everything. I was burning at a thousand degrees, and my body started to show signs. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't attach much importance to it. I felt incredible energy within me, yet I felt more and more tired day by day. I fell into bed exhausted at night, but still couldn't fall asleep. At 4 AM I still couldn't, at 6 AM I couldn't sleep anymore, and this went on for weeks and months.

The more tired I became, the more I took on, and the more I pushed the gas. "Limits are for the weak" I told myself, and also "anything is possible, you just have to believe in it, and I represent a righteous cause, there's no way this won't succeed, it simply doesn't exist that I would fail," while I literally gave a damn about everything, because I thought I was fighting for a noble cause, and everyone had to understand that.

The biggest victims of all this were those on the cellulite program, whom I completely neglected because my mind was captivated and intoxicated by the thought of what I was fighting for, who I was doing it for, and how fantastically awesome I was. Nothing and no one mattered. Neither the participants in the program nor the readers who followed the cellulite program mattered. With every nerve, I only focused on being the one who would change everything. I thought I had everything under control, even though I overlooked the most important thing. You. You, whom I hyped up by saying there's a system with which you can not only lose weight but also get rid of cellulite. The system truly works, and I provided all initial help for it. I posted the diets, exactly what exercises to do, what teas to drink during the program, and what supplements to take to make the program as effective as possible.

Nearly 4,000 people joined the various blood-type-based cellulite groups in a single week, and there was huge anticipation for the program. The cellulite packages could be ordered from midnight. I activated the site and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, there were 150 package orders even though I hadn't even posted it anywhere. I didn't even dare to post it on the big LifeTILT wall because, no joke, the entire stock would have sold out in 10 minutes. In 1 day, we sold 1700 cellulite packages without posting on the big wall!!!

The women believed me, trusted me, and I made the biggest mistake. I abandoned them. Even though everything was available on the site, that's not enough for women. They need to be noticed, to feel that there is someone above them, even if only online, who coordinates the program itself, or just the knowledge that I exist. And I didn't care about that. The sacred goal of reforming healthy living within institutional frameworks superseded everything, and I truly believed in this. No, I didn't just believe it; I was convinced it would succeed.

I will never forget May 13, 2014, as that was the day I reached my limits and could go no further. I simply collapsed, at the worst possible time. Of course, I could explain it by saying I took on too much and couldn't handle the pressure, but I don't want to comfort myself with false words. That was all I had in me, nothing more.

I woke up at the University of Debrecen and faced reality. The presentation did not go well, very badly. I had no fire, no energy, no enthusiasm. I was tired and exhausted. Complete blackout. I rattled off, or at least tried to rattle off, the same things I said at Corvinus University, but it turned out to be a very poor version. A woman even asked me if that was really all there was to the presentation, and if I really only had that much to say? I couldn't wait for it to end.

After the lecture, I went back to my hotel room and just stared blankly for hours, because I knew something had ended, I had failed. It wasn't about that one lecture; it just sealed the deal.

I am unable to write the Tilt and simultaneously lead a process that will probably last for years in a field where I will probably also harm many interests. There, at that moment, I realized more clearly than ever that I am not capable of it, I am not capable of carrying out the reforms, because it simply exceeds my abilities. When this dawned on me, I completely broke down. What I had been searching for years, I found that day. I reached my limits, and I could not go on. There were no grand words, no motivational messages in my head that would have helped, and I didn't even have the strength to get up, because I had received such a blow that my legs wouldn't move. I failed.

And for the first time in three and a half years, I stopped; I didn't rush on. Hours turned into days, and I still hadn't moved, like a soldier sitting on the ruins after a battle, the fires still smoldering in the bombed-out houses, and everything around you is silent.

What can one do in such a situation? What can one do when faced with their own limitations? Give up? You can never give up. Never. Sometimes you have to step back and accept the fact that you are not ready for it yet, then after thoroughly examining the wall that defeated you, you turn back and try to fix everything. You go back to where you can rest and gather strength, so that when you are ready one day, you can go back and try again. Because we have no other choice.

We have to go back. But not the way we did before.